


Porn Plant

by Willa Shakespeare (AnonEhouse)



Category: Blake's 7
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-15
Updated: 2013-05-15
Packaged: 2017-12-12 00:06:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/804820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/Willa%20Shakespeare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were some interesting plants on Saurian Major. Blake said some of them had an intelligence rating. Well, if they could think, couldn't they <i>feel</i>?</p><p>Porn plants need people nookie to thrive. Hey, it's better than horse manure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love me or Leave me

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"It feels clammy... sort of like flesh."

Avon jerked his hand back at Vila's remark, but an errant breeze brushed a leaf from one of the other plants against his cheek. He had to agree with Vila, it reminded him of his supervisor's handshake. "Ah!" He stepped back a little too quickly and collided with Blake, who put out a hand to steady himself, encountering yet another fleshy plant. Blake grimaced in disgust, and set Avon back roughly on his feet.

"Yes, well, now that we've all had our get close to nature moment," Avon remarked while resisting the impulse to rub his cheek, "shall we get on with the purpose for which we came?"

"He talks beautifully, doesn't he, Blake?" Vila said, with a dreamy expression on his face.

Avon's eyebrows raised. Blake looked at Vila oddly. "Yes, but he's not as sweet as you are, Vila."

Avon felt an urge to comment on Blake's curls. He bit his knuckle instead. Hard. "Ouch."

"Avon, are you hurt?" Blake rushed forward and took Avon in his arms. "Oh, my darling, say you aren't hurt!"

"It's only a flesh wound," Avon replied, showing the tear in his cuticle. "I'm sure... I hope... I will recover."

"Blood," Vila said in a strange voice. "The sight of blood does something to me."

"Does it make you ill?" Blake said, looking worried. Avon clung to him, in case Blake was planning to abandon him to go to Vila.

"No... it makes me randy." Vila looked down at himself. Avon and Blake followed Vila's gaze. Avon pushed himself away from Blake and went over to Vila.

"That looks painful."

"Oh, it's not so bad... if you don't count the agony." Vila put on a brave little smile.

Avon fell to his knees, and opened Vila's trousers, ignoring the ripping sound as the seat of his own, far-too-tight, trousers gave way. Behind him, Blake gasped.

"Avon, you've gone commando! You are a rebel at heart. You don't know how that moves me." Blake knelt behind Avon, who had his mouth too full to protest as Blake tried to show how moved he was.

"Urgle, gurgle, gleep," Avon said, pointing frantically at his jacket pocket. 

Blake investigated the pocket and found a half-used tube of 'The Engineer's Friend- lubes anything'. Blake, being an engineer, immediately applied himself to the task of emptying the tube.

Much moaning and frictionless motion occurred, interrupted by a shower of sand and a fierce-looking woman dressed in red sliding down the hillside to threaten them with a gun.

Vila turned his head to see her, and tapped on Avon's shoulder. Avon rolled his eyes to see her and elbowed Blake. Blake grunted and lifted his head to see her. "Oh, hello. You're a local rebel, I take it."

_May you die alone and silent._

Blake chuckled. "Actually, I think I'm going to die quite noisily with my friends."

The woman sighed. "That was my only good line. It took me weeks to think of it!" She squatted nearby, where she had a good view. "All three of you touched the Porn Plant? Mmm... pity. Oh, well... are there any other men on your ship? Or women?" She sounded desperate. "I've been alone on this planet for a year, with nothing to eat but Porn Plants!"

Blake tossed her a teleport bracelet. "Press the button."

The woman raised her eyebrows and pressed the button. A sexy sounding woman's voice said, "Blake? What is it, are you in trouble?" A man's voice, deep and calm, said, "Do you need teleport now, Blake?"

Blake raised his voice. "Oh, I'm fine. Never been better. I've given my bracelet to a new friend. Why don't you take her up and show her to a cabin."

"Which of us?" The woman's voice answered, sounding suspicious.

"Oh, both you and Gan, I should think. She has a lot to show you."

The woman in red smiled, saluted Blake and vanished.

Avon said belatedly, "I thought you wanted to ask a local rebel where the communications base was?"

"Yes," Vila replied, "so we can fight the Federation... not that it sounds like a good idea to me."

"Screw the Federation," Blake said, and came very, very noisily. 

"Good idea," Avon remarked after Vila screamed and came and Avon pulled off of Vila in order to have his own operatic moment. "Harvest a Porn Plant, have Zen analyze it, and use the teleport to seed the air intakes in Space Command, etc."

"Make love, not war," Vila sighed happily. "Mmm... I could go for a tofu and chips."

"Zzzzz," Blake replied.


	2. Bloom Where you're Planted

Jenna frowned as a slender, very attractive, young woman, armed to the teeth and dressed in a bright red commando outfit, appeared on the teleport. Just what she needed, more competition for Blake's attention.

"Hello, my name is Cally." The woman in red smiled brightly.

"I'm Jenna Stannis. This is Olag Gan," Jenna said sharply, with a 'strictly business' attitude.

Gan smiled at Cally. "Hello. Welcome aboard the Liberator."

"Thank you. I'm very glad to be here." Cally moved close to the teleport console and locked gazes with Jenna. "In what position do you serve," she asked Jenna, and then licked her lips.

"I'm the pilot." Jenna noted uncomfortably that Cally's eyes were almost the exact colour as Blake's, honey-amber, with glints of gold. "Why do you want to know?" she said defensively.

"I'm interested in your work." Cally laid a hand on Jenna's arm. 

Gan cleared his throat, and said, "Well, speaking of work, I suppose if Blake and the others are all right, I should get back to my own."

Cally turned back to face Gan, but left her hand resting on Jenna's arm as if she'd forgot it was there. Jenna was even more uncomfortable as she realized that far from minding, she actually was enjoying the contact. Cally said, "Oh, Gan, please, tell me what you do?"

"Oh, nothing much. I just help out where I can, and run the medical unit." Gan confessed, "No one else wanted the job, and I... well, I'm not much use in a fight. You see, I have a limiter implant."

"Oh!" Cally's already large eyes opened even wider in sympathy. Jenna was now reminded of a cocker spaniel puppy she'd smuggled across two systems. "Oh, you poor man," Cally said. "You must have terrific headaches."

"Yes, sometimes I do. Nothing to be done about it," Gan shrugged.

"I have something my people use as a temporary analgesic." Cally zipped open her jumpsuit, casually revealing a nice set of firm, rosy-nippled breasts, to pull out a small packet.

Gan stared. Cally did not rush to zip up. Jenna cleared her throat. "Erm, I don't know who your people are Cally, but on Earth, women don't show their breasts casually."

Cally frowned. "Why ever not? Is there something wrong with my breasts?" She turned to give Jenna a close-up view. 

Jenna went slightly cross-eyed. "Ah. No, I suppose not." She rubbed her forehead. "Now, _I'm_ starting to get a headache."

Cally smiled again, and opened the packet. Inside it were several pale green flat objects. "Candied leaves of the P...Orn plant." She broke off a piece, chewed it and swallowed it. "Perfectly harmless, and quite tasty." She offered Gan a piece.

"Gan..." Jenna said warningly.

"Oh, come on, it's only a harmless little herb." Gan ate the leaf and smiled. "Umm...quite nice. Interesting flavour." 

Not to be out-machoed by Gan, Jenna took a leaf and ate it. Gan was now staring openly at Cally's breasts. "I wonder what you'd taste like," Gan murmured.

Cally giggled. "I am very sweet. At least that's what my sister Zelda used to say whenever she sucked on my breasts."

Jenna coughed and began choking. Gan looked concerned. "Maybe we should take Jenna to the medical unit." He picked her up and held her against his chest. Somehow, Cally's hand on Jenna's arm slipped down between her thighs.

Jenna started to protest, but then she remembered all the interesting things the various gadgets in there could do. "Oh, yes!" she cried, dramatically tossing her hair. "I _need_ immediate attention!"

Cally took Jenna at her word and gave her attention all the way to the medical room. Gan was breathing hard by the time they arrived. He deposited Jenna on an examination table and began undoing the fastenings on her clothes.

"Um, Gan, not that I'm objecting, but can't the monitors see through my clothes?" Jenna asked.

"Yes, but I can't," Gan replied. He unzipped his trousers. "And you couldn't see that, could you?"   
"No, I couldn't." Jenna licked her lips and stared at Little Big Gan. "You have a definite point, Gan."

Gan chuckled and worked a control at the side of the examination table. It lowered itself smoothly to touch the deck at the same time other padded areas rose to meet it. "Apparently some of the people this medical unit was designed for weren't human."

Cally looked innocent. "Just because they liked big beds?" She stripped to reveal her lack of navel. "Don't you like aliens?" 

Jenna looked at Gan who looked at Jenna. "You aren't planning on killing us all in our sleep, are you?" Jenna asked.

Cally grinned wickedly. "If you feel the least desire to sleep, let me know." She arranged herself neatly between Jenna and Gan and began rubbing and stroking every erogenous zone within reach.

Jenna snatched up some handy medical probes. Gan said, "Oh, I thought you didn't want to be stuck on med duty." He grinned.

"I want to be stuck!" Jenna grabbed Gan and put him to work with his factory-supplied probe. Gan moaned and obeyed. Cally pouted until Jenna reached out and pulled her close, and showed her just how adaptable and ingenious a free-trader pilot could be.

_Ooh, Jenna, fly me, baby, fly me!_

Jenna blinked at Cally's voice in her mind. The Zen link inside of her woke up and said, "CONFIRMED."

***

Gan's limiter cut in six hours later.


End file.
